From the Onion ...
TOLEDO, OH - Two Toledo councilmen plan to introduce a resolution during the first quarter of 2004 that will declare water is wet. It will be called the Water-is-Wet bill.
Nine other councilmen have expressed concern over the bill, citing a lack of intelligence. The "nine" suggest a Task Force be created to study the negative impact, if any, such a bill will have on local businesses. The Task Force is expected to consist of no one but Council.
The Water-is-Wet bill is not unique to Toledo. Currently, 4 states and 23 cities have a similar bill, although somewhat watered down when compared to the stricter bill that will be proposed for Toledo.
Toledo's bill will affect all watering holes, except private swimming pools and public swimming pools smaller than a standard-sized dining table.
Support for Toledo's proposal is coming from NOW (National Organization for Water), NWA (National Watering Association), and from Dr. I. M. Kook who is chief scientist for medical inconsistencies at Dust2Dust Immortal Hospital in Boston.
The ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) opposes the bill. Even though the bill doesn't yet exist in Toledo, the ACLU has filed a lawsuit against it on the grounds that the bill violates the civil rights of people with dry skin.
Also opposed to the bill is PETD (People for the Ethical Treatment of Deserts.) A PETD representative was asked to comment on the bill, but the rep's babbling response was so incoherent that it was unprintable.
The DMA (Dry Martini Association) is split internally over the bill and unsure which way to float their olives.
If the Water-is-Wet bill is approved by Toledo Council, it's likely to have it's greatest negative impact on Toledo public swimming pools. It's theorized that exposing the fact that water is wet, parents will freak out and prevent their children from visiting swimming pools.
The lone remaining councilman, Shame Onme, has not publicly stated his feelings about the bill, because Onme has already alerted the Mayor that he will be on vacation when the bill comes up for Council vote on June 14, 2011.
When the Toledo Mayor was asked about the bill, he said, "I'm glad Council is turning in their vacation requests early."
In other local news, the Toledo Denigrate is reporting:
o People are expected to visit area stores during the holiday shopping season.
o Snow is possible in northwest Ohio sometime between November and May.
The Denigrate also released the October results of their "Consumer Dissatisfied with Something Index" survey. The CDSI rose 0.00003% to a new all-time high of 99.99994%, which indicates the likely percentage of people in the U.S. who are dissatisfied with something, anything at all.
When Stu D. Baker from the prestigious brokerage firm Rippem-Demov-Now was asked what the latest CDSI findings meant, Baker said, "The rise in the index will cause the pharmaceutical stocks to skyrocket once again, as people ravage their local stores of every possible drug available and jam them into every possible orifice in their body in hopes of minimizing their uncontrolled whining. I recommend a buy on the pharmy stocks."
Denigrate's columnists, Chris Lemmonhead and Rebecca Soboring, have both spoken in favor of the yet-to-be-officially-proposed Water-is-Wet bill.
Lemmonhead said, "Since most of the human body contains water, we need the Water-is-Wet bill to make sure everyone has an equal chance at healthcare and employment. It's time Toledo came out of the dark ages. Toledo, with nearby Lake Erie, needs to be a leader in Ohio and let all Ohioans know that water is wet, water is here, and it's not going anywhere. If some swimming pools go out of business because of this bill, they deserve it for not controlling the urine content in their pool."
Soboring said in her column, "Around here, the Water-is-Wet bill will improve our public health and provide a bright future for the kids. It does rain around here you know. Things would be better around here if the construction barrels existed in other colors besides orange. Why can't something be done around here about cold toilet seats?"
Soboring's column rambled on for 43 pages.
posted by jr at 06:49 P.M. EST on Wed Nov 12, 2003 #
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