Toledo Talk

Easiest Job on Planet: Bank CEO

Easiest Job on Planet: Bank CEO

Posted April 22, 2008 | 09:14 AM (EST)
Read More: Bank CEOs, Banking, CEO Bonuses, CEO Compensation, CEO Pay, Finance, Financial Crisis, Fortune Magazine, Market Crisis, Breaking Business News

Like this story? Get Alerts of big news events. Enter your email address

Looking for a cushy job with great pay and low responsibility? Be a bank CEO!

Here's how it works:

  • Take the job after an economic downturn, when your predecessor is forced out after presiding over the loss of billions in bad-debt and trading write-offs (don't worry, your predecessor won't starve in retirement).
  • Immediately take huge additional write-offs and reserves and blame them on your predecessor. Clean up balance sheet so your performance bar is so low you could fall over it.
  • Announce "new era" in which Your Bank will focus on conservative, fee- and spread-based businesses in which you grow steadily and prudently.
  • Sit in your chair for two years while economic recovery (and your earlier write-offs) deliver strong earnings to the bottom line.
  • Smile for the cameras. Have PR people place a Fortune cover story entitled "The Wizard Who Turned Around [Your Bank"]!
  • Renegotiate contract extension from position of strength. Include new provisions that tie your comp directly to earnings and stock performance.
  • Announce that, given the huge opportunities in the markets, Your Bank will take a bit more risk (prudent, of course) to improve return on equity.
  • Encourage your traders to make huge bets.
  • Sit in your chair for three years and collect at least $50 million a year during rest of bull market while those bets pay off.
  • When market finally turns (sorry, it always does), briefly deny that the downturn will affect Your Bank.
  • When it's clear that your traders were just bull-market geniuses and have gambled away all the "profits" Your Bank booked in the previous three years, blame them and express disappointment. Then hang around to see whether market cares.
  • If market demands resignation, resign, collect $500 million severance, and join private equity firm.
  • If market yawns, re-up for another cycle and do it all over again!
created by charlatan on Apr 22, 2008 at 05:37:22 pm     Comments: 6

source      versions


Comments ... #

That may all be very true, almost as true as the friend of mine who worked on the railroad and swore he had an alleged affair with a local Bank Vice-President's wife, which he told me about while we were installing dash panels twenty-some years ago, he also told me many dirty jokes and crude versions of popular nursery rhymes as well, but besides those interesting stories I want to know one thing from you Charlatan? Why do you call yourself charlatan? Clearly you must know the meaning of the word and it's connotations. Is this some incredible form of satire that you lay upon the world of toledotalk readers? Here is the meaning for those who would look it up.

charlatan
One entry found.

charlatan

Main Entry: char·la·tan
Pronunciation: \ˈshär-lə-tən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian ciarlatano, alteration of cerretano, literally, inhabitant of Cerreto, from Cerreto, Italy
Date: 1618
1 : quack 2
2 : one making usually showy pretenses to knowledge or ability : fraud, faker
— char·la·tan·ism \-tə-ˌni-zəm\ noun
— char·la·tan·ry \-rē\ noun

posted by Bbcmjeep43 on Apr 22, 2008 at 07:33:36 pm     #  

Even easier: Isiah Thomas' job of "Being Isiah Thomas".
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3358377

*Reports to James Dolan, has nobody working under him.
*Has no official job title, or duties except for Dolan to "bounce ideas off him".
*Is barred from communicating with players.

Salary: $18 million.

posted by TheTalentedMrC on Apr 22, 2008 at 07:46:24 pm     #  

Why does a word bother you so much that you have to look it up? Allergies or just chemical sensitivities?

Does it hurt your feelings that some random person with an internets connection and a deep sense of irony is allowed to have an alias with such obtuse irreverence?

posted by charlatan on Apr 23, 2008 at 08:50:50 pm     #  

Um, let's see here, did I ever say it bothered me? Allergies, yes, chemical sensitivities, yes, but they both have little to do with asking questions about general stuff like the um, weather. Let's see now, part B.
Very little hurts my feelings so no problem there. As far as a random person, um, you may be, then again, you may not be so random. Your deep sense of irony allows you to answer my simple question in an appropriate manner befitting your um, style, and if I would ever suggest another name for you it would be something polite such as (page-turner) for your rapid fire posted missives are rarely accompanied by substantive discussions and you seem to like to keep moving, which suggests a certain um, restlessness, but don't worry about me because I'm just a factory worker and what do I really um, know anyways? So have a nice day and don't worry about your name because I sure don't. I just wanted to spark a conversation!

P.S. I look up a lot of words. I circle them in books and magazines and look them up all the time. If I don't know what a word means or I am uncertain of its meaning or pronunciation I look it up.

posted by Bbcmjeep43 on Apr 23, 2008 at 10:03:53 pm     #  

The guy who wrote "The World According to Garp" (John Irving) looked up words all the time in his dictionary. He put a little checkmark next to the word when he did so. He noted (in the interview I read) that there's a word he's looked up several dozen times. He still didn't remember what it meant. Yet he's a published author of some accomplishment.

posted by GuestZero on Apr 23, 2008 at 11:13:48 pm     #  

You're right. Let me see I defend unions and people of alleged "lower" professions. I actually want a wartime Jeep...
Probably not the right climate for it.

I post things about health, economics, gov't policy, technology, the environment, energy, Great Lakes, sometimes sports....
nothing of significance to anyone I hope. All conventional info, I guess.

I liked charlatan because hubris was taken and it's also a reference to a former city leader.

posted by charlatan on Apr 24, 2008 at 12:06:15 am     #